You Need to Hang Out with Yourself to Network Successfully (really).
Most of my friends and colleagues don’t believe me when I tell them that I used to hide out in the ladies’ room at networking events until someone from my firm would come to take me under their wing. But, it’s true, especially during the early years of my legal career. I didn’t think the spaces where I networked would welcome a person who looked like me, and no one jumped through hoops to meet me.
If you’re look like me (cough, brown girl, cough) and/or you don’t know how to actually pull off shoving your business card down the neck of that guy whose business that you want and/or you don’t belong to “The Club,” and/or you hide out in the restroom at networking events when you’re flying solo, I have an exciting secret to share.
1). You are not alone.
2). You have exactly what you need to conquer any networking space - be it a happy hour, an interview, or a conference already. No, it has nothing to do with the way you look or what you learned in school.
By hanging out with yourself, you’ll spend time learning about the world around you. Once you understand the world around you, only then can you choose how to enter it. Even if what you do is miles away from current events, you should still be aware of what’s going on. By contributing your craft to the world, whatever it may be, you are choosing to enter it, so you need to know the world receiving your craft.
Know the world and how you enter it. Your brain doesn’t have a penis. Your brain doesn’t have a vagina. Your brain is colorless. It is your greatest tool, your most unique asset, your weapon, and your vehicle. Your brain drives everything. Your brain causes you to feel confidence, to feel love, to feel anxiety. So, start betting on it when you enter a space of networking.
For years, I was so stuck in learning the law that I forgot how to read for leisure. But, during a dark time in my life, I began reading, and researching, and slowly enjoying audio books of the autobiographies of famous women in politics and bold women of color. I let knowledge draw me from my darkness, and I let facts of the world and stories of strong women lift up my soul and light my brain on fire.
Knowledge is the simplest way to empower yourself. Knowledge inspires innovation and confidence. Let in that brand of inspiration, and let that inspiration illuminate you in conversations. Tell people about your interests outside of your work. Let your interests show the completeness of your being. Any person that I’ve ever hired was someone that I found interesting, and trust me, conversations about the law are not interesting. As long as they had decent support to back up my gut instinct, what I have always looked for in the people I work with is a commitment to understanding the space that we occupy. As one of the few all female commercial transactional law firms in the area - not to mention, run by a woman of color - my battle has, and is, an uphill one. But, instead of letting the certain obstacles keep me from making a move, I choose my brain. I cannot control others, but I can control my ken of knowledge, my skill set, my self.
Pick up a book. Listen to a podcast. Set up news alerts so you know what’s going on, and don’t just subscribe to one avenue of opinion media. Watch a documentary about something you’re curious about. Your brain will stick with you forever, so expand it and carry that big ol’ noggin’ with you wherever you go. Invest in your brain power. Read. Write. Dialogue. Push boundaries. Indulge your curiosities. Research. If you don’t know something, look it up. Fill it with knowledge and experiences, and allow your interests to bridge connections with other people in a way that will go further than just a sharing of your substantive professional expertise. We are finally in an age, while far from perfect, some of us on the outside can find a tiny bit of representation in the media. Women of color are shining bright and rocking it from the big screen to politics to the silver screen to space, and I encourage you to take advantage of that.
(It should be noted that “while far from perfect” remains a gross understatement, as Hollywood slowly tries letting Outsiders dominate the screen. I sometimes feel sad for the younger me, who lived in a world sparse of any popular representation that looked like the chubby brown girl that I was. That lonely little girl lived for stories about Claudia in The Babysitters Club series or Lisa on Saved by the Bell. Family Matters made more sense to me than The Brady Bunch, and books - ah, beautiful books that I would wrap myself in, books that enabled my imagination to see a world with more color, colors that looked like me. Growing up in a small town in southern Illinois, I did not see what I could be beyond a doctor or lawyer. But, representation in media is a topic for another endless series of posts.)
That same chubby little girl (who has a safe and warm home in my lovely and portly adult self) finds solace on especially sexist or racist days in the words of visionaries sharing their stories and their strength. When the world comes at me with racism and sexism, I let information fill the disconnect for me. The poignant paths of inspirational women like all around bada** mother/lawyer/FirstLady/activist/author/rockstar Michelle Obama (@MichelleObama), the determined resolve of publishing prodigy Elaine Welteroth (@elainewelteroth), the journey of Bad Feminist revolutionary Dr. Roxanne Gay (@rgay), the adventures and stories of political powerhouses Valerie Jarrett (@valeriejarrett) and Stacey Abrams (@staceyabrams), the “misadventures” of the multitalented artist Issa Rae (@IssaRae), the poetry and raw and eloquent power of Audre Lorde’s words in the gifts of her art, and most recently, the fearless reclamation of conquering the bifurcation between being Asian and born in Canada in the story of music industry legend Sophia Chang (@sophchang). Before I knew it, their stories not only lifted my heart from darkness, they enlightened my understanding of the world around me, and moreover, how I wanted to enter that world. (I promise my reading list will be doing up soon. Until then, check these autobiographies out NOW).
I wanted to lift myself out of a rut, but instead, I ended up finding an unyielding light within myself that came from paying attention to my interests outside of my obligations. Suddenly, when I was at networking events, I would ask people if they had any books or podcasts to recommend, and I would share my recent favorites. I realized that talking about my interests, my hobbies, my nerdy tendencies that I hide with care - that was my ticket to letting go of the awkward. I would get a chance to show off my whole self, my willingness to engage with the world when I’m not dealing with legal matters, my ability to take in new information, and most importantly, I got to show off my opinion, my brain, and my voice. I did this, and my little tray of business cards began to grow exponentially.
All without saying more than a couple words about my job.
Here’s the truth: Everyone you’re competing against has the same degrees as you. It’s your job to harness and empower your greatest tool - your brain - to make a lasting impression.
Knowing how you want to enter the world unlocks your authentic brand. The thing is feeding your brain good information - that means information away from social media and the fake news sphere - nurtures your ability to be memorable when meeting a stranger. Stop trying to impress people outside of your industry with how well you or do whatever it is that you do. Impress them with your thoughtful knowledge of yourself and the world you live in.
In short, show off that gorgeous brain of yours. Let people see your brilliance by showing them how you show up for the world around you with your commitments to the community and your ability to take in new knowledge from spaces outside of your profession. Don’t be afraid to spontaneously teach other people new things. Stop being afraid to influence the world with the uniqueness of your intelligence and your core identity and just do it already.
Like me, you may be accustomed to low expectations or stereotypes of your submissiveness or concerns about whether you are acting from a place of reason or emotion; or, you may be bracing yourself, understandably, for straight up racist and sexist remarks from idiots when trying to network. Embrace the idiocy and rise above. Show them how stupid and wrong they are by honoring the whole of your self. Show off your awesomeness by showing off how smart you are outside of your work. It translates into a level of self-confidence that even the best resume will fail to capture.
Here’s the secret - once you stop trying to fit in, you’ll fall into the right place. Bet on your true self, and I promise it gets easier. Honor who you are, and others will see your value.
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Until later.
Yours, in Power -
