Gutting the Guilt: A Lesson on Self-Soothing

Hi friends! I hope you are each doing well and staying healthy and positive as much as you can during this time. I know that we are in strange, strange times, but what's not strange is human resilience. There is nothing surprising about the fact that humans can come together, even if physically apart, to support one another, but we also have to make sure that we are supporting ourselves as individuals as well.

My older sister, Ritu Reimer, a brilliant mental health professional with a flourishing counseling practice in Denver - RNR Life Solutions - has long been a counselor and a mentor to me. When Ritu wants to make a point crystal clear, she often makes sure her message is complete with puns and blunt descriptions to illustrate her point. Years ago, I remember telling her that I was feeling anxious and stressed. She asked whether there was a reason for my anxiety in that moment, and I said it was because I didn't have anything to do work-wise.

She looked at me and said sternly, "Stop musturbating, Priti." I giggled, not surprised by her choice of words but intrigued as to what she meant. I asked her to elaborate. She explained how we had been programmed with a need to be "doing" all the time, in motion all the time, working all the time, serving all the time, going all the time, and how that pervasive and involuntary need bred a truly useless feeling of guilt during periods of not "doing." It clicked.

I was driving myself crazy over - quite literally - NOTHING. I was musturbating - and, bad.

I was talking to some friends last week, and they shared with me that they felt guilty for not doing as much work as usual. I asked whether their workload was still as heavy as it was prior to self-quarantine. They responded that no, there was less work to be done at the moment, but they still felt guilty for not doing anything. Many other friends and colleagues have expressed similar frustrations. Some are unable to work fully due to the shelter-in-place order. Some are unable to work at all. Some are struggling with producing the same work product while parenting and home-schooling small children. All of them feel guilty for something that they simply cannot control.

This is what Ritu calls "musturbation." It's not a dirty word, guys. Stop giggling.

Urban dictionary, take note - new definition alert.

Musturbation (muhstərˈbāSHən): The utterly useless and persistent shaming of self for not doing enough when there is nothing to be done.

Here's the truth: If you don't have something to do, DO SOMETHING ELSE. If you don't have work stuff to do, DO SOMETHING ELSE. Here's a list of things you CAN do:

1. Read a book

2. Work on your marketing (if you need a work-focused task)

3. Learn how to knit

4. Foster a dog or cat

5. Work on a puzzle

6. Go for a walk

7. Meditate

8. Write something. Anything.

9. Make a bucket list of things that you want to do around the house, and do them.

10. Catch up on correspondence.

True story - I came up with that list of 10 things in literally 60 seconds.

Here's the fact: The act of doing nothing is - in fact - an act. Spending time with your loved ones is doing something. Watching your favorite movie is doing something. Cleaning your house is doing something.

So often we derive our personal value by looking to the external - our professional identities, our community involvements, and our personal relationships; but, what if we based individual value on the value of the whole person? Shouldn’t your professional identity reflect who you are as a whole person, including you are outside of work, such as what hobbies and interests you enjoy, what makes you tick, what you read, and what inspires you? To me, those things matter when I meet someone, regardless if professional or personal. A professional who tells me only about what they do is informative…and boring, and not someone with whom I’m likely to develop a business relationship.

If you've read any of my posts on networking, you know that I believe strongly that the key to networking is bringing your whole self to the table. When you network, you are trying to persuade others that you and your business are worth a second look. Do you like to network with people who only talk about their work? Or, do you prefer to network with people who have interests outside of their job and want to talk to you about their life as a whole, not just their work? I don't know about you, but if I had to network with lawyers and just talk about the law, I would never, ever, ever attend a lawyer networking event again!

So, if you need to justify doing self-things during work hours because the work just isn’t there, think about this time as an investment in your wholeness as a person AND as a professional.

But, I understand that breaking the cycle of beating yourself up is tough, so here is my step-by-step guide to stop musturbating.

Step 1: To stop musturbating, you must accept that this is your current reality. For many of us who are not essential workers, we are self-quarantining, and this is just the reality for millions of others around the world right now. You're not a special flower - you're one of millions of flowers dealing with the same thunderstorm.

Step 2: Snap out of it. Keep a rubber band or a hair tie on your wrist. When you catch yourself running through all of the things you would be doing at work but for the current pandemic or when you feel anxious about the fact that your work product is limited by the fact that you're working remotely or because you're parenting and working remotely at the same time, snap the band a couple times. If it's not startling, get a stronger band, or splash some cold water on your face. Remind yourself that these things are outside of your current control. I know you probably are superwoman, but you are not god or mother nature. You are (wonderful) you, and you are (just) fine where you are right now doing exactly what you're doing. Cut yourself a freaking break.

Step 3: Replace your negative thoughts and self-shame with a positive act. Think of this process as "self-soothing." Consciously make yourself do something, anything. Reference the list above about the 10 things you can do. Check out our Get Lifted Library for ideas for books, shows, and movies. Check out the FitOn app for free workouts. Watch live animal streams from all over the world at Explore.org. Write the book you've dreamed about for years. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself into a space that combines fun and productivity. Remember being productive can mean being productive at home or with your self. Being productive doesn't just mean being productive at work. You can be productive at home, in your efforts to build your better self, in your aspirations of a stress-free life. You just have to value these tasks - the tasks of working for your self and not for the money, not for your employer or your business - as much as you value the tasks of professional work. 

If you really cannot focus on personal tasks during business hours because your routine is simply set in stone, that's OK. Instead of fixating on that which you cannot do at this time, try using free work time to improve your marketing, learn new skills, complete education requirements, take webinars, blog and write, and renew business relationships through virtual meetings. Write personal cards to your clients. Write blog posts. Record videos for your clients. Work on your marketing plan.

If you have a side hustle that you've dreamed of for years but have never had enough time to flesh out your plan, now is the time. I'm here to help (no fees involved). Just shoot me a note through our Contact Us portal.

Step 4: Wash, rinse, and repeat. This is not a one-and-done endeavor. If you're a lifelong musturbator, like myself, this is a mentality that requires vigilance and practice. Listen to yourself and your thoughts. Harness them when you need to. Stop starting at the wall and feeling like crap because the work you want to do is either non-existent right now or physically (and legally) impossible.

Once you're able to blast through your guilt and need to musturbate during ebbs in your workflow with a dose of reality and reach the other side, you'll feel lighter, more focused, and more confident in your choices throughout your day. Frankly, musturbation is a useless endeavor; instead, channel that frenzied, guilt-ridden energy into something that feeds your soul. Use your soul to work with intention, dream without limits, and invest in your self right now. It's OK. The world will not fall apart if you allow yourself some grace during a bizarre time. In closing, I leave you with the wise words of poet Nikita Gill:

Everything that terrifies you
these monsters
that keeps you up at night
that torment you
that make you feel small
breakable
unable to breathe
like you should not
exist at all,
you defeat them everyday
just by being alive,
this on its own
proves that you are
enough,
and you already have
everything you need
to survive.
― Nikita Gill, Wild Embers: Poems of Rebellion, Fire and Beauty  

Stay strong, stay healthy, stay sane, stay home if you can. We will get through this together. I got you, you got me, and we got this.

With love + in power, yours always -

Priti

aka The Boss Lady’s Lawyer