Dear Class of 2020
If you’ve been planning for a graduation in May 2020, whether you’re an 8th grader, a high schooler, an undergrad, or a grad student, you’re probably upset, rightfully so. In comparison to the scope of loss from the COVID-19 pandemic, you have probably been shamed for being upset about something like a graduation ceremony.
I’m here to tell you that 1) I know how you feel; 2) the loss of your senior spring is a real loss that should be mourned and grieved, like any loss; and, 3) there is good news, though it doesn’t supersede the loss of this special time for you.
In March 2005, 2 months before my high school graduation, my first love died suddenly. His death devastated me. Out of an abundance of caution and an understandable fear of cluster suicides, my high school school (a boarding school - more on that another time) informed me that I would complete my senior year remotely from home to ensure that the rawness of my grief did not impact the other students in a negative way. I was, however, able to attend my prom night and my graduation festivities.
I remember eagerly calling my friends to find out the goings on at school, what I was missing, like the senior prank and other final rituals that I had waited 4 years to enjoy with my friends. I remember the sadness of missing these memories, the anger that I was entitled to them after 4 years of hard work, the pain of disappointment that I didn’t get to enjoy what my classmates enjoyed, the heartbreaking realization that all of these memories were being made without me. I remember writing my senior bequests and wondering if anyone would even read my list without me at school. I remember feeling sad and alone at a time that was supposed to be joyous, full of time with friends, celebratory, and the most fun of my life.
I remember, in many ways, feeling 15 years ago what you are feeling now. I’ve had 2 graduations since then - my undergraduate and law school graduation, and I still had a high school senior prom and a graduation day, with photos to match. I did enjoy the hoopla of an official celebration, even though I did not want to celebrate anything at the time.
Unlike you, I did experience those physical moments of official celebrations, but like you, I missed the precious moments shared with my friends leading up to those pinnacle days. Unlike you, I suffered this experience alone while my classmates enjoyed their senior spring at school, but like you, I spent my high school senior spring at home with my (albeit, super awesome) parents and away from my best friends.
The small moments are as important, if not more so, than the official big ones, and I missed a special last connection forged among my fellow classmates in those last months before graduation. After 4 hard years, I had to celebrate my college acceptance away from my friends. After 4 hard years, I missed out on the senior prank and the many privileges granted to the senior class in their final two months of high school. After losing my first love, I didn’t get to talk to my friends about my pain or share my grief with them. When we spoke, I wanted to stay positive and make them want to call again, so I kept my feelings inside.
After 4 hard years, the pinnacle time - the senior spring - that had been promised to me as bait to get me to survive through the crappiness of growing through your teen years was snatched from me. It wasn’t the school’s fault. They had to protect the safety of everyone. It wasn’t my fault. I was grieving an impossibly difficult and sudden death of my first love and my best friend. It was no one’s fault, yet I was the one who suffered.
Does this sound familiar? I know it does. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. You don’t deserve this.
I know it probably feels like you're neck deep in - excuse my language, but I know no other way to say this eloquently - a sea of uncertainty, isolation, and absolute shit right now. This, my friend, is a fair feeling. It is shit that you don’t get a traditional "Senior Spring." It is shit that you don’t get a regular graduation. It is shit that this is happening to your class, not the class of 2019, and probably not to the class of 2021 (hopefully). It is shit that this is happening at a time when you want to solidify and celebrate your relationships with your school and your classmates before going off to the next chapter of your life. It is shit that, if you're a high schooler, this is the time you’re receiving acceptance letters and unable to share the news with your friends in person. It is shit that you’re stuck at home when you should be enjoying these last days of school with your friends and teachers. It is shit that you've been looking forward to this pinnacle, this celebration of your hard work, and you don't get to enjoy it with your loved ones in public with the pomp and parade you deserve.
It is shit, dear graduate. I know.
But, you cannot change what is happening, and wishful thinking won’t make the pandemic go away. As such, I offer to you a few words of amateurish but experienced wisdom:
1. You must grieve this loss. For me, I didn't grieve the loss of my senior spring of high school until my senior spring of college, when I took particular care in making my last days of undergraduate experience memorable. What does it mean to grieve a loss?
The Kübler-Ross model, produced by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross as described in her (1969) book “On Death and Dying,” presents the 5 stages of grief, which is a great starting point for you in this journey of coping. Like any loss, including the death of a loved one, a job loss, the end of a relationship, the experience of losing that connection, whatever it may be, must be grieved.
The Kübler-Ross model’s five stages of grief, as restated by Healthline, are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
While there are a great many things to learn about the grieving process and how to do it in a way that heals your pain in a progressive way, it is most important to note that it is not a linear process; and, grief is a process, not a race. You might still be in the denial phase, hoping for a change in the outcome of your graduation ceremony. You might be angry, prone to protesting the shelter-in-place order applicable to you or lashing out at your loved ones at home. You might be bargaining with the forces above, making promises in exchange for the commencement that you do deserve. You might be sad, lonely, and disappointed, wrapping yourself in the pain of this moment and feelings of confinement. I’m guessing you’re not at the point of accepting that this is your reality, in which case, congratulations! But, I suspect the other stages will come back at some point or another.
Remember, the grieving process is not linear. The grieving process is not a race or set against an invisible deadline. Exercise patience with yourself and the world. Be kind to yourself. Work on accepting the lack of blame and control in this situation. I know that the ongoing events may feel as if the forces of nature and the world have teamed up against you in grand fashion, but they haven’t. Yes, it is shit, but it’s shit that you cannot control. Stop trying.
2. There is good news. It does not diminish the pain you’re feeling, but there is good news.
The good news is that life will also send you happiness and joy when you're not looking for it. The good news is that missing your senior spring will not ultimately diminish the authentic relationships that you've made. 15 years later, my best friends are still my best friends from high school, and my closest mentors are still my teachers from high school. The good news is that fellow class of 2020 graduates that you encounter now and down the road are or will have suffered the same loss as you. When you go to college, your classmates will likely have had the similar experience of losing their senior spring. When you go to a new job, you can share with your new co-workers how you had to finish the final stages of your master’s degree from home. I suffered my isolated senior spring without being able to commiserate with other isolated classmates. You will be the COVID-19 class of 2020, and it’s an experience that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. It will be a story for you to share at job interviews, with future mentees who are struggling with life’s wildcards, with other 2020 grads from whom their special day was also stolen.
I know, it’s still a sea of shit. But, it’s something.
3. Most importantly, remember this - you are missing a ceremony and final classes, but the greatest accomplishments - the “takeaways” of your educational experience remain intact, regardless of what is going on in the world. What are these, you may ask?
Takeaway #1. Your best friendships and relationships with teachers and school professionals will stay with you, regardless of what’s happening now. For me, my best friend is still my high school best friend, and my closest mentors are still my favorite teachers. Missing my senior spring made no difference to the longevity of these relationships after high school. It’s been 15 years, and our connections have only deepened since 2005. Your most important high school friendships were created on experiences before this event, and many will stay with you for years to come. The ones that don’t stay? That’s okay too. Always remember that people can grow together, or they grow apart, and either way is fine.
Takeaway #2, You finished your education. As my always sagacious father often reminds me, “Knowledge can never be taken from you. The fruits of education can never be taken from you.” That said, you accomplished something - high school, college, 8th grade, grad school - and that accomplishment is not somehow undermined, undone, or diminished by the pandemic. You should still be damn proud of yourself and excited for your next chapter. After all, a graduation ceremony is called “commencement” for a reason.
While you might be alone schooling at home and without a graduation ceremony, you are not deprived of the fruits of your labors, even without the ceremony that you do deserve. While it might happen in time, remember too that you are not alone in your experience, and that fact is worth, at least, a finger of solace.
The other 4 fingers? Indulge your sorrow. Let it out. Work the stages of grief. If you need to talk to a counselor, talk to a counselor. There are thousands of resources available to you, or shoot me a not, and we can talk about the sea of shit. Vent to your family members, and if they can’t listen for whatever reason, find someone else to vent to over the phone or by Zoom. Or, shoot me a note.
Many of you don’t know or don’t remember the following lyrics, but let Baz Lurhmann’s words guide you in these truly bizarre and uncertain days.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday….
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young...
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old...
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth…
Baz Lurhmann, “Class of ‘99: Wear Sunscreen”
I appreciate the opportunity to fish my past from the disposal and recycle it for your (potential) benefit. I know the world seems upside down and that your accomplishments have drowned in the waves of the pandemic, but trust me, they have not. One day, the world will be right side up again, and your accomplishments will remain intact and entirely yours. Some things can be taken away, but remember, some things are yours forever, indefeasibly.
You will get through this painful experience, and you will be stronger thereafter, as much as it sucks now. And, there will be other celebrations, other accomplishments, other moments of pride. For now, use your creativity to envision what a celebration looks like for you in light of the current circumstances and make it happen. If you need help, shoot me a note.
To you, graduates, I salute you and your accomplishment. I offer a listening ear and an open heart. I wish you nothing but the best as you grow into your next chapter. Hang in there. Keep talking. Think of the future. Let yourself mourn. Stay healthy. And, as Baz reminds us, don’t forget to wear sunscreen.
Yours, in power + love,
Priti
AKA The Boss Lady’s Lawyer
