Unmatch the Matchmaker: The Anti-Lessons of Indian Matchmaking
I never thought I would end up watching Netflix’s Indian Matchmaking. Ever.
As a divorced South Asian American 33 year old woman who started my law firm from the ashes of my divorce, a painful break after 8 years of spending my life with a man who, simply, was unable to treat me with the respect and kindness that I deserved (and still deserve), I try to steer clear of most reality television, especially those that might oversimplify the complexities of romantic love.
But, as the proud daughter of a successful 40+ year old marriage arranged in India, I felt a responsibility to participate in this novel viewing experience that had the potential to speak truth about a misunderstood cultural tradition that is only further falsely depicted in Indian Matchmaking.
This article is not a criticism of arranged marriage. My parents were married by way of an arranged marriage, and my family and I are the product of their union. However, in the years since my divorce, as I've grown into loving my life as a single woman, I've become accustomed to the questions from fellow South Asians about my relationship status - some of these questions might be familiar to you: “Why are you still single,” “Don’t you want to have a man,” “If you lose some weight, you’ll find a good husband,” “Don’t get too much sun, you won’t find a man,” and “If you want to find a man, you need to be less difficult.” I’ve been contacted by matchmakers, asking if I want them to find a perfect soulmate for me. Let me be clear: I have nothing but respect anyone who has an arranged marriage via a matchmaker or family. That said, I wholeheartedly disagree with the approach and methods utilized by self-proclaimed matchmaker Sima Taparia in Indian Matchmaking, and I write this with sincere concern about the messages that Mrs. Taparia promotes about relationships, self-worth, and love.
After talking with friends and reviewing some feedback online, I know that the substance of Indian Matchmaking ("IM") left at least a few watchers feeling as though their love lives are doomed to fail. There have been many meaningful and consequential articles and posts about the caste and colorism issues in the show (ex. here, here, and here), but I want to focus on healing some of the emotional trauma that my fellow brown brothers and sisters may have suffered while watching IM and reshaping some of the negative messaging that some may have taken from the series. To that end, these are 5 key “anti-lessons” or things NOT to take away from Indian Matchmaking.
1. Knowing what you want is not a bad thing. In fact, knowing what you want and teaching others how to treat you is the key to, well, unlocking your happiness.
The little black hairs on my hairy brown arms stood straight up as I listened to the evolution of matchmaker Sima Taparia toward her client Aparna. Sima’s critique of Aparna’s matchability initially began with, "She [Aparna] wants open minded, she wants that, this. Many of these things are not important for a happy married life. She has really high standards. I will have to work hard to find someone who will match with her very busy lifestyle…so I think it's a very tough job for me to match," devolving to an even more troubling critique: “But what I've found is that she's not stable. Like, her mind is not stable. That I've found." (IM, Ep. 1; Instagram @indianmatchamakingshow). Sima’s talent as a masterful gas lighter shines with painful splendor as Sima weaponizes Aparna’s self-awareness to swiftly reduce Aparna to the cliché (and disgustingly sexist) hysterical female stereotype. Some might argue that Sima does not do so intentionally, but Sima does not critique the mental health of any other client that expresses specific criteria for a partner.
IM swings at Aparna from various angles, taking calculated and overt cracks at Aparna's incredible self-awareness - her knowledge that she doesn't love what she does but she does it anyway, her clear understanding that she is not the type of person who likes lazy vacations but rather more intensive travel experiences, her refusal to settle for a man that is not right for her. The matchmaker is, quite clearly, unable to harness Aparna as a client - largely due to her inability and unwillingness to truly respect Aparna for all that she is; and, as a consequence, the matchmaker unsuccessfully tries to gaslight Aparna into settling for one of Sima’s suggested matches.
Aparna, you are a fierce goddess. You have every right to want what you want and to demand that you are treated with the respect you deserve. No astrologist or matchmaker has the right to treat you like you are anything less than a phenomenal woman who knows who she is and what she wants in a partner. Not only is it OK that you did not select a match presented to you by Sima, you are a badass for choosing yourself and your values over a romantic interest. Little girls should take note of your courage because saying "no" is not easy when the alternative is being single, but the choice to say "no" can be the difference between a life of regret and a life of self-sustaining happiness.
Aparna, the daughter of an independent woman who left a bad marriage in the best interests of her children and herself, is called "stubborn," "too picky," and finally, "unstable." Aparna's mother wants only to see her daughter happy and says so. (IM, Ep 1). "I don't want somebody to crush my daughter's spirit. That is what I want for my child. This is my expectation." In commentary, Sima states of Aparna's mother: "I can tell that she has very high expectations. It will be very difficult to find someone who is well educated, successful, and someone who satisfies both mother and daughter." (IM, Ep. 1)
Really? If Aparna’s mother’s wish for her daughter - that her daughter be happy with a partner - is too tall for Sima, then what is the point of hiring a matchmaker? What should Aparna’s mother have said? "No, you're right, Sima - I'm being too difficult. It's OK for me as a mother if you find someone who crushes my daughter's spirit." Are you kidding me?
As a lawyer, I deal in reasonableness, and Aparna and her mother’s expectations seem not only reasonable but within the realm of what any matchmaker should expect from a client. Fine, Aparna doesn’t love comedy and is interested in salt flats. I love whales and hate baseball – do my quirks mean that I’m unlovable? Hell no. They make me who I am.
To me, I see Aparna as a woman who knows who she is and what she wants. In fact, she reminds me of one of the most badass women in my life - my mama. I love watching my mom shop. She does not linger or dawdle in stores. She does a meaningful lap around the aisles, and if she sees something of interest, she stops; but, if she doesn't see something that calls to her during that first lap, she moves on. My mother knows what she wants, and because she knows want she wants, she does not waste her time trying to settle on something she won't want in the long run. We can all learn this lesson from my mama. Know what you want, and don’t settle for less, no matter what. Don’t waste your time on something that doesn’t fit who you are. Don't force something that's not there. Don't make yourself be with someone because you want to be alone.
If you have a red flag or a negative gut reaction to a person, listen to yourself. First impressions matter. Gut reactions matter. If you meet someone and it feels off, listen to your gut, as Olivia Pope always says. It won't steer you wrong. Don’t be afraid to know what you want. Don’t be afraid to wait until you get it, and never be afraid to teach people how to treat you.
2. Having a history is not a bad thing (AKA everyone has a history).
Did I miss the announcement that having a personal history makes you unfit for marriage? I must have missed based on the way people with personal histories are treated on IM.
Vyasar, a 30 year old guidance counselor at a high school in Texas, holds his family history close to his chest - his father is serving time in prison due to a murder conspiracy charge, and he is the child of divorce. Let's start with real facts: This guy is amazing! Watching him interact with his students alone makes you want to be a better human but watching the way he respects the women he dates and shares his whole self is inspiring in a different way. Vyasar's story, like Aparna’s, is styled to invite pity from viewers, but Vyasar’s vulnerability and his optimism inspired me, in the same way that I was inspired by Aparna's fierce adherence to her individual identity.
In an interview with O Maganize, Vyasar reflects on his approach to dating on IM: "Younger Indian audiences understand how important vulnerability is. They understand that this isn't just vulnerability—it's activism. Being able to open up and share like that creates a space where everyone opens up and shares. If he can go on Netflix and say this kind of thing, why can't I open to two people about how I struggled with it? It's been rewarding to hear people say that to me. It may not have been something that I planned, but I am happy that I did it."
Bravo, Vyasar, for allowing yourself to embrace your whole self and for being vulnerable. For me, Vyasar's decision to be transparent about his past, particularly on a reality television show, reminds me of how important it is to accept yourself before you can accept anyone else into your life.
Bare your baggage.
Actually, scratch that.
Bear hug your baggage.
Actually, scratch that again. Your baggage is not baggage at all - it is the tapestry of your life and the events that led you to the person you are now. Your history cannot be changed, and it is yours and yours alone. So, let's try this on for size:
Bear hug your whole history - all of it. Yep. No more scratches.
From the firsts to the lasts, the pinnacles and the pitfalls, the pain, the grief, the pleasures, and the moments full of honey and moonlight. Each moment of your life forms a part of who you are, and hiding who you are is not a great way to connect with someone authentically. I know because, for years, I tried hiding my past when trying to build a relationship with a new partner, and it is unfair to everyone involved. To hide my past dishonors my experiences - the experiences who made me who I am.
Later in the series, we meet Rupam, a 36-year-old optimistic divorced Pubjabi Sikh American mother, looking for a second chance at love. She admits to feeling like a failure as a result of her divorce, a feeling that I know all too well. I was blessed to have supportive parents, but when you end a marriage, it takes time to realize that you did not fail, but the relationship simply didn't work for whatever reason. During a consultation with Sima, Rupam shares: "At the of the divorce, I really wasn't aware of the difficulty I would have trying to find someone else. I was really naïve about that part. I didn't realize the stigma of being a single mother." (IM, EP. 7).
While commenting that, "In India, marriages are breaking like biscuits," Sima wastes no time in reminding Rupam of the stigma attached to divorce in Indian culture. (IM, EP. 7). In spite of Rupam's optimism and her open heart, Sima makes it clear that she is doing Rupam a favor by matching for her: "If anybody comes to me with a child, I usually don't take that case because it's a very tough job for me to match them." (IM, EP. 7). She tells Rupam: "You see, Rupam, because a divorcee with a kid…So don't mind, it's a fact of life I'm telling you. You get less options. Somewhere or another you have to compromise and you have to adjust it. Your options are very less." (IM, EP. 7).
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I rarely use all caps, but ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Rupam cannot change her status as a divorcee or as a single mother, and frankly, she is a brave badass to open herself to love again. Instead of advocating for her client and trying to change the way potential suitors view a single mother, Sima chooses to exploit her client's identity as an excuse for non-performance, and it's a front of laziness. Aparna deserves better. Rupam deserves better. Every guest on the show deserves better than being reduced to a resume.
Honestly, if someone takes issue with your history, then as good ol' Liz Lemon would say, "That's a deal breaker, ladies." You are who you are. You can't change your history, but you can't be who you are without it. So, give your whole history a big bear hug - because it's who you are.
3. If someone wants you to change who you are, that person is not right for you.
If someone encourages you to change who you are on the first date, I encourage you to not date that person again. You are who you are, and you do not need to change who you are for anyone other than yourself. Take it from someone who knows. I tried to change myself for my ex-husband. I became domesticated. I hung out with his boring and semi-racist friends. I stopped being friends with men because my ex felt threatened by my platonic male friends. I questioned my lifelong relationships at his behest.
If someone wants you to change to fit into their life, take a serious look at what those changes mean for you as an individual person, not simple as a party to your relationship. No one is perfect, and yes, self-improvement is an essential part of living a meaningful life; but, the need to improve, to change, to become better has to, as my mother would say, come from within – meaning, you cannot find true happiness from external sources.
If you want to lose weight, do it because you want to – not because you want to be more appealing to a partner or because you’re trying to keep up with your partner’s expectations. Growing with a partner and challenging a significant other to flourish as a human is different than being expected to change to suit someone’s tastes. If you don’t suit a partner’s tastes, that’s their problem – not yours.
Remember, every time that you change yourself for someone else is a not so subtle apology for being who you are, and you do not need to apologize for who you are. You're a fierce goddess, like Aparna, and don't apologize for being who you are and knowing what you want.
4. Not looking a certain way is not a bad thing.
I won't recycle the meaningful content that has been produced about colorism in South Asian cultures; but, I will say this - every person is worthy of love regardless of how they look. Every person is worthy of being loved and respected, regardless of how they look, regardless of the color of their skin, regardless of their religion, regardless of the size of their waist. When I think of the times when I was in love and loved back, that love had nothing to do with the way that person looked - it had everything to do with the type of person they were, the values they lived by, the respect they expressed toward the world. I'll say it again:
If someone wants you to change something about yourself to fit into their life, they do not, will not, and cannot fit into your life. Take it from me - no one is worth sacrificing who you are, and who you are includes the way you look. No one – I repeat, NO ONE - is worth the cost of your self-value, and trust me, you're enough, regardless of the way you look. Friend, you are an absolute catch, just as you are.
5. Being happily unattached is a real thing.
I recently bought a DVD player in order to binge watch every available episode of the Girlfriends series starring Tracee Ellis Ross. In Season 7, Episode 7 of Girlfriends ("Just Joan"), Tracee's character Joan is trying to figure out how to be alone, she finally concludes that "I discovered a man would be an addition, not a completion."
Since my divorce, I have certainly dated and even fallen in love and been loved in return; but, I have yet to find someone that is worthy of my time on a long-term basis. To be wholly transparent, I am not presently looking. At the moment, I am single and, as Joan sings, "that's how I wanna be." I’m honeymooning with myself at the moment, learning more about what I love, what I don’t love, and what I want my life to be. My decision to be single has nothing to do with anyone other than me. I’m interested in myself right now and my professional endeavors, and I don’t have space for a significant other in my life right now nor am I interested in a relationship at the moment.
If you don't feel like being in a relationship, don't be in a relationship. If there is someone that you do want to be in a relationship with, take the leap. Do what you want. If your loved ones are worried that no one is there to take care of you when life happens, figure out how to make them feel comfortable. For me, that means making sure my family has the contact information for my friends in close physical proximity, and yes, my parents can track my phone location. These might not be the right ways to make your family feel comfortable with your choice to be unattached, but the takeaway is that you can validate and allay the concerns of your loved ones about your safety and well-being without compromising the decision that you make about your relationship status.
Nadia, another guest on IM, dates a man who seemingly lacks commitment and an ability to communicate effectively, and she painfully decides to move on from what appeared to become a toxic relationship with an immature narcissist. While they initially shared a strong connection, the young man refused to respect Nadia's schedule and her life by bailing on scheduled dates, and she ultimately lets go of a person who appears to be an immature narcissist. Learn from Nadia. Say no to someone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Yes, a good relationship requires work from both people, but putting in work is not the same thing as tolerating disrespect and dishonesty. It truly is better to be single than with the wrong person because you can't find happiness within (or outside) when you're involved with the wrong person. Trust me – it is better to be happy and alone than miserably coupled.
Bottom Line: You are enough, regardless of your relationship status, your skin tone, your caste, your weight, your height, your job, your interests, your attention to detail, your history, your looks, and/or your attitude.
Remember, as Joan Clayton says, "I discovered a man would be an addition, not a completion." You might find the perfect soulmate, but that's not going to make your identity whole. Your identity is yours. Your life is yours. You can share it with another human, but that does not relieve you of the responsibility to know who you are as an individual, independent of anyone else.
I am disappointed that Indian Matchmaking chose to snub independence and vulnerability while hailing superficiality and lauding participants that expressed a willingness to settle just to settle down. We are so much more than our bio-data, than our skin color, than our looks, than our professions, and you, my friend, are more than enough, with or without a match. Please, don’t make the mistake of applauding the values promoted by Sima Taparia; instead, see her for what she is – an overpaid hack promoting her individual definition of what makes a person worthy of love and what doesn't.
What should you take away from Indian Matchmaking? That arranged marriages are a part of a rich cultural tradition in South Asian cultures and have been the basis of millions of successful relationships. That arranged marriages are not alien or necessarily sexist in nature (though they can be). That there are many things about South Asian cultures that you probably didn’t know before. That brown people want love too and, in some places, finding love looks different than what many consider modern day dating.
Of equal (if not greater) importance, however, is what not to take away from Indian Matchmaking. Don’t try to be someone else for any reason, but especially for the reason of finding love, and don’t let anyone tell you who to be or what you want. Abide by your own values, and don’t let anyone tell you who you’re supposed to be in order to find love. Be yourself, and joy will find you in some form or another. Your identity and your worth are non-negotiable, and they are your most cherished possessions that require your care. Don’t settle to settle down. And, if you are in doubt, repeat after me:
Matchmaker, matchmaker, I am a find, I am a catch. Just the way I am.
Until later.
Yours, in Power,
Priti
Priti Nemani AKA The Boss Lady’s Lawyer
